


how do you stand so calm? (when everything you live for is gone)

by serenesapphic



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Mother-Daughter Relationship, Not Romance, Other, nicole haught - Freeform, please don’t ship these two, rachel valdez - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:48:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25958560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenesapphic/pseuds/serenesapphic
Summary: during the year and a half nicole and rachel were alone at the Homestead, a thunderstorm brings the two closer together.
Relationships: Nicole Haught & Rachel Valdez (Wynonna Earp TV)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	how do you stand so calm? (when everything you live for is gone)

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! so i know i’m not the only one completely in love with rachel valdez. she’s literally already a comfort character for me! and after watching the first four eps i am absolutely OBSESSED with her and nicole’s relationship. it’s the way they take found family to a whole different level. i literally could NOT stop thinking about them and then...this happened. i also want to reiterate that this is NOT a romance fic. rachel is a minor and that is not ok :) they are mother and daughter and i will not take criticism. also if this gets attention, i just may make a series! like i said, i really love these two. hope you all enjoy! (chapter title is from alice by bianca ryan)

The first clap of thunder weaves itself seamlessly into her dreams, a faded drum beat barely noticeable among the pounding in her ears. Her lungs sting with frostbitten air circulating through them. Numbness creeps from the soles of her feet to her ankles. None of that matters, though, because Rachel cannot stop running.

She can’t recall when she started, or why for that matter, but what’s indisputable is that there’s no end in sight. Barren trees fly by in her peripheral vision, serving as nothing more than an assurance that she’s still moving. The glimmering snow beneath her gets lost in her speed, her fervor, to escape, or to arrive? 

This time, though, she is spared by a noise so violent the Homestead trembles. Rachel’s eyes snap open as she inhales sharply, her chest movements erratic. Several moments pass before any movement occurs. She grips the cotton sheets beneath her in an attempt to ground herself. Finally, the insanely bright flash outside of the window by the bed,  _ her _ bed, catches her eye. Slowly, Rachel gravitates to sitting on her knees and pulls the curtain back, peeking under the blinds with a shaky finger. Thankfully there’s nothing outside, and she resolves to try to get back to sleep before she has to get up and check the traps at dawn.

The plan proves futile though because the second her head hits the now cold pillow, thunder rips through the sky and she knows any chance at sleep has been lost. Rachel releases a deep sigh as she runs her hands over her face. Thoughts fill the silence between claps of thunder. 

Six months had flown by impossibly fast. Rachel’s entire world spun on its axis by a wildly inappropriate but admittedly hilarious brunette and a redhead she’s still trying to figure out. Her only focus had been finding her mother for so long that anything after that moment hadn’t even been considered. A mindset of making it to the next day slowly expanded to the next week, the next month. And Valdez would be lying to herself if she said she hated it. She and Nicole developed a routine. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Rachel is the one to rise at dawn and check the traps Nicole had set the night before. For Tuesday, Thursday, and the weekend, the opposite occurs. On her days, Rachel is under strict orders to  _ never _ approach a monster, whether it’s caught or not. She’s to call for Nicole immediately and maintain at least a fifty-foot distance. These regulations had been made stricter over time, no doubt due to Rachel’s constant disobedience. She, as Nicole so often puts it, “has absolutely no regard for either of their safety” and “will be grounded the next time she tries to take down a monster on her own”.

There’s a lot of things she does that get under Nicole’s skin, but risking her safety seems to illicit the most extreme reactions. Their most brutal arguments result from her recklessness. They are both only just beginning to realize that Rachel had completely forgotten what it felt like to be cared for. She’d adjusted to living by herself and for herself so fully that their dynamic shocked her system. Things had come to a peak today when Nicole caught her way past the boundary line, approaching the woods. The woods that carried the very things she is barely allowed to look at. The woods that Rachel is beyond tired of haunting her dreams. 

Tonight she stretches across the bed before gravitating toward the kitchen. The heavy rainfall provides no relief, as it carries the same threatening aura as the bass that occasionally fills the house. After skipping the extra creaky floorboards she tiptoes to the fridge and pours herself some kombucha. Making it consistently had become a comfort for her. Maybe because the process is so meticulous and time-consuming. When they’re not killing monsters or arguing, things can get pretty boring. She sits in the chair,  _ her _ chair, at the table. Light flashes outside the back door. Rachel tucks her hair behind her ear, closes her eyes, squeezes her glass, and waits. 

Then, it comes.

An almost painful shiver runs down her spine and the house rattles once more. If she had squeezed the glass any tighter it likely would have crumbled in her hands. 

“You can’t sleep either, huh?”

Valdez jumps in her seat, quickly turning her head to the sound of the voice. Nicole leans against the wall, wearing navy sweats and a plain black tank top. Her hair had grown a decent amount, but it’s tied up in a falling bun at the moment.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Rachel glues her eyes to the back door, waiting for the next strike. She hears Nicole sit across from her. They’re in their chairs and it’s almost normal. Except a thunderstorm rages outside of their walls, and an emotional storm brews within them.

“This is the worst one we’ve had since...since everything.” Nicole tries again.

No response.

“Rachel.”

She raises her dark eyebrows, eyes unmoving. 

“Are you alright?”

Rachel finally looks at Nicole, her stare hard and sad.

“Are you?”

A beat.

“I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” She rises and disappears to her room.

“I won’t,” Valdez mumbles after she’s gone. 

But she doesn’t mean it. And deep down she knows Nicole doesn’t deserve the way she’s treating her. What she’d done earlier was dangerous and directly went against almost all of the few rules in place. She could have died, but she also could have been actually free for the first time since their return. That’s why she did it, not that Nicole had asked. It was an effort to face what had quickly become her deepest fear.

_ “Are you out of your damn mind?!” _

_ The vibrations from the front door being slammed still reverberate throughout the Homestead as Nicole stands in front of it, eyes wide and fiery as she yells. _

_ “No.” _

_ “Really? Because I can’t tell.” _

_ “I was just-” Rachel starts, holding her left upper arm tightly with her right hand. She hadn’t been hurt, but the grip is all she can do to calm the adrenaline in her veins. _

_ “I just don’t  _ get _ it, Rachel. Do you want to die?”  _

_ The question is posed rhetorically, but it’s also not the one Nicole is really asking. _

_ “Of course not! I want to-” _

_ “I don’t care what you want.” _

_ At that, something solid and heavy takes root in Rachel’s heart. Guilt hardens into frustration. _

_ “Clearly,” she shoots back. _

_ “Don’t pull that shit. You know I care about you. That’s why I make these rules. That’s why I say time and time again not to ever cross the boundary line. Not to go anywhere near these monsters or whatever the hell they are. I just want you safe, Rachel.” _

_ Silence. _

_ “But you don’t care,” Nicole continues, “About your life or mine. And I’m tired of fighting for both of us. I really am.” _

_ Rachel scoffs.  _

_ “How could you be so selfish?” _

_ Her voice very noticeably cracks on the last word. Rachel has no idea how to react when the redhead’s eyes begin to water.There’s no time to anyway, because just as it begins to drizzle, she’s gone.  _

Nicole skips dinner that night.

Her final question repeats itself in Rachel’s mind. Venturing into the woods is irresponsible, dangerous, maybe even disrespectful, but how is it selfish? It doesn’t make sense, but she’s too wrapped up in hurt feelings to dig into it.

She should apologize. For all of it. But her pride stands as a fifty-foot brick wall on the path to sincerity. There’s a flash outside the door. With a frustrated grunt, Rachel downs the rest of the kombucha in one swig, washes out the glass and puts it away. With the short-sighted decision to simply go back to bed until the sun rises, she’s about to make her way back to her makeshift room when the unmistakable  _ boom _ shakes her bones. The message is clear and Rachel makes her way up the steps. She stands for a while in front of the slightly cracked door. She thinks about how as long as she’s lived here, the door has not once been closed entirely. It’s always either wide open or almost shut, and most often the former. Nicole keeps it that way so that Rachel is never too far out of her reach. At first, it was necessary because of her leg injury. But even after that healed, she has always been just a shout away. 

Rachel swallows and pushes open the door. Nicole already sits upright in the bed and her head turns as soon as she hears noise. She opens her mouth to speak but Valdez beats her to it.

“I’m sorry. For going into the woods..and for shutting you out.” 

She stands there a second longer before turning around to leave.

“Come sit?” 

Within seconds she’s next to her on the bed. There’s a decent amount of space between them though. 

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. That wasn’t fair of me. And I’m sorry.” Her tone is soft and genuine, and Rachel believes her.

“You didn’t even ask me why.” It comes out lower than she’d anticipated.

Nicole takes a moment to think. After coming to the realization that she hadn’t in fact asked for a reason, she finally does.

“Why were you out there?”

Suddenly the brunette’s nail beds are extremely interesting to her. As badly as she’d wanted to explain herself before, now that the time has arrived the words lodge themselves in her throat.

Nicole waits patiently. 

“I’vebeenhavingnightmares,” she says quickly. 

“You what?”

She takes another breath. “Ever since the first...creature, I’ve had these dreams.”

“Dreams?” Haught questions.

“Nightmares? I guess. I dunno, really. And I’m not, like, a kid or anything so don’t even go there.”

She holds her hands up in surrender and then gestures for her to continue.

“Basically I’m running. And I can’t stop no matter how much I want to. And I  _ really _ want to. Everything burns and I’m exhausted and I wanna sit the hell down. But it’s like my body won’t let me.” She refuses to look at Nicole’s reaction and lets her words hang in the air. 

“I have nightmares, too.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

It’s evident by her tone that Nicole does not plan on giving any more details on that front.

“They suck ass.”

For the first time in a while, Nicole chuckles.

“They really do.”

A beat.

“Do you really think I’m selfish?” She tries her best to hide the vulnerability in the question, posing it as pure curiosity.

“No.”

“Oh.”

“You’re not selfish, Rachel. But I am.”

Her eyebrows furrow. “You lost me.”

Nicole cracks a small smile. She settles into the bed but remains sitting up.

“When I first came to Purgatory, I was alone. I don’t have any siblings. My parents and I had a falling out. It had been just me for while. And then, a man called Nedley took me under his wing, and he became family. A little while after that, I met- I met Waverly.”

It’s not lost on Rachel that this is the first time Nicole has said the name since their return. But she remains silent on that.

“And she became family too. Then came Wynonna.” Another smile. “And it took a little while, but she and I grew on each other. Before I knew it I had a whole group of people I could count on. That loved me and supported me more than anyone else I’d ever known.” She sighs. “I guess I took it for granted because just like that, they’re gone. Everyone I cared about disappeared in the blink of an eye and I have no idea when or if I’m ever gonna see them again-“ 

At this point tears fall freely down her cheek. It’s the first time she’s opened up about what happened. Six months she’s held it all inside and channeled all of the pain, the anger, the guilt into keeping Rachel safe. She’d been a shell of her former self in a sense, and even though it’s all Rachel has known, she’d had a feeling there was more to the woman with this fiercely protective spirit. Not to mention, the feeling is far from foreign to her. Finding out her mother ws dead was devastating, even if it’s secretly what she’d expected. Rachel had lost someone too. 

“I think because I couldn’t protect them, I’ve gone a little overboard on protecting you. You’re all I got right now, Rach. I can’t lose you, too.”

They’re by far the most vulnerable and genuine words that have ever been passed between the two, and the brunette feels a knot in her throat that she doesn’t know what to do with. 

“I can take care of myself, Nicole,” is what comes out even though there’s so much more.

“I know you can.” After a moment of hesitation she reaches for where Rachel’s hand lies on the comforter and squeezes. “I do.”

She looks up at her at that. It’s what she needed to hear. What she needed to feel too, even though her mind wants to reject it. Rachel’s never been too good with putting her feelings into words, even before her world went to shit. So she decides to return the favor of opening up.

“I wasn’t always scared of storms.”

Nicole blinks, waiting silently for the rest.

“Just so you know that I’m not weak or anything. I actually used to kinda like them. But when I was living in the lab, every time there was a thunderstorm,  _ they _ woke up. And I had to either fight them off or hide or probably both and it just- it ruined the vibe, you know?” 

“I can’t imagine surviving on my own like that for so long. You’re incredibly strong.”

She sniffs. “Shut up.”

Nicole smirks. 

But then the sound of rain is drowned out by yet another resoundingly loud clap of thunder. Rachel shivers just as she had all night. Nicole sighs as she watches her. 

“Are you cold?” 

It was the last feeling on her mind, but the oversized Pearl Jam tee certainly isn’t providing very much warmth. Suddenly there’s no reason not to simply shift under the (excessive amount of) blankets on the bed, so she does. When she loses Nicole’s hand in the process they both pretend not to notice. 

Haught gnaws at her lip for a moment as she considers something. For the past half year, they had been a machine. Not always well-oiled, but certainly functional. Machines, though, are methodical and cold. As much as she feels obligated to continue pretending they can live like this forever, as two people doing nothing more than surviving this hellish town, they have needed each other as more than soldiers in battle for a while now. There’s no reason for either of them to feel alone when they aren't anymore. So Nicole takes a leap of faith that she hopes is a beginning, not an end. 

“When I had nightmares as a kid-” But at a glare from Valdez she rephrases. “When I was younger, I mean. I would, uh, sneak into my parents room and lay on my mom’s lap.” She can’t help but grin at the memory. “And suddenly nothing else mattered anymore, you know? She would stroke my hair and the rest of the world disappeared. I was safe…”

“Wait, you want me to…” she trails off, her face unreadable. 

“It worked for me.”

Her heart races in the following silence. 

“Look, the storm isn’t going anywhere. I’m just tryna help. I know you’re this strong, independent woman, but we all get scared sometimes. Especially me.”

Seconds that feel like hours pass and she fears their newfound relationship had been destroyed by her boldness. 

But then Rachel is moving without a sound and her head lays stiffly on Nicole’s outstretched legs. It’s awkward but the redhead smiles; she can work with this. She strokes Rachel’s hair gingerly with the back of her hand, watching as the smaller body begins to relax. The rise and fall of her chest finally slows and by the time the next  _ boom _ vibrates their home, she barely flinches. Nicole pulls the blankets back over Rachel’s legs and rests her head on the wall. 

“Thank you for being here for me,” she whispers almost inaudibly.

She assumes the younger girl is asleep when there’s no immediate response.

But eventually she hears,

“You’ll get your family back.”

Nicole decides against saying that she’d found a new one as well. 


End file.
